The act of Disappearing or going ‘ no contact ‘ is a necessary and self preserving measure when freeing yourself from a toxic relationship. The aim is to protect yourself, and to break free from the manipulative and harmful dynamics which would hold you captive. Disappearing and going ‘off radar’ will also prevent further damage to your emotional and possibly physical well-being, and it will allow you to start healing fully.
To disappear from the reach of a toxic person or a narcissist is to become invisible to them, to their flying monkeys, and to anyone else who would report to them about any sightings that they may have had of you. It is to evade, and make yourself unavailable to them. As far as they are concerned, you will become a mystery, unknown and shrouded in secrecy. You will remove access of information about what you are doing, how you are coping, places you go, who you spend time with, whether you are with someone new, or whether you prefer the company of ‘you’ alone, over the company of them! Deny all information good or bad.
Inside your ‘No Contact’ Bubble
You will want to keep your children, pets, friends and contacts who you can trust 100% in your bubble. Also anyone who can potentially support you, community services, but even then, be cautious. Online forums can be a great help when you implement ‘no contact’, but set up a separate account, and remain anonymous as Narcs and their flying monkeys are rife in these groups. Even the ones who say they are technophobes will coerce others to spy on you, it is not beyond them.
Remove Access to Everyone Else
Do not post on social media, abandon your profile or create a new anonymous one. All social media posts are heavily contrived and curated to create impressions upon others. For those who are running a business these are good marketing channels, but generally, it is unnecessary and unwise to share all the details of your life, your friends, work, holidays and whereabouts. For those who want to stalk your profile, let them wonder and guess.
Implement ‘No Contact’ with the Narcissist and all their associates. They should be blocked on all your devices, phone, emails, text messages, WhatsApp. Don’t answer withheld or unrecognised numbers where possible. Change your daily routines as much as you are able, be unpredictable in your day to day activities. If you receive unwanted contact in the post more than once, consider it harassment. Don’t reply or acknowledge, and involve authorities if necessary.
Keep your life private and don’t share all your plans with anyone, except those who you trust implicitly, as you don’t know who might accidentally share information. This is especially the case with children. They should not overhear everything you say.
Disappearing as a Freeing Act
After a breakup with a Narcissists or other toxic people , ‘disappearing’ for a time is a freeing act. You can liberate yourself from the pressures and social expectations of all others, and enable yourself to feel and act as a separate agent operating in a new way in the world.
Your absence will be felt whether they left, or the other way around. Whether they are with someone else or not. You are different to everyone else, the light you bring into the world is unique to that of everyone else. There is no one else like you. The energy you brought into the relationship and into their lives, helped to elevate them, helped them to become a better version of themselves for a time, and now that is gone for them. You are a magnetic being, the attraction that people feel toward you is different to that of anyone else. The disappearance of you will be felt when you go no contact.
Away from the toxicity of the relationship, you are now free to rediscover and reclaim yourself in a new way. You can redirect the energy that has been scattered outward toward the narcissist, back into you. Being with a narcissist is by definition a contract where all your attention and energy goes toward dealing with them; it is mitigating conflict, trying to understand and pre-empt their behaviour, complying or resisting all of their endless and unreasonable demands.
In turn, they are evasive, deceptive, disruptive, chaotic, generally abusive, ensuring that all your attention is fixed on them the whole time. This is why those who deal with Narcissists end up losing themselves, and are faced with what feels like a shell of themselves after the end of a relationship. Disappearing and implementing ‘No Contact’ is a liberating act, it will free up your mental space so you can begin to reclaim yourself.
Disappear into a Personal Retreat
In the introduction to this section we alluded to these earliest days of ending a relationship with Narcissists as going through a hurricane. Those trapped in the path of a hurricane, do all they can to shore up the defences around their home, they board up windows and pile up sandbags. They ensure that they have the provisions that they need. They might collect things to keep busy with during that time, books to read, hobbies they enjoy doing, music, writing, art and craft things. Games to play with others. Treats to boost spirits.
In a similar way, disappearing from the world can be done in the safety and comfort of your own home. Hopefully we will not need sandbags or to board up windows, but it may be a good idea to set up some preparations for security and comfort, in case you choose to stay in for a few days, or if you are going to go away. Dedicating some time to yourself, and cutting contact with the narcissist is a front line defence system against further assault to your psyche. Allowing a necessary cocooning, or incubation period will facilitate this time spent with yourself and will remove toxic distractions as you begin the healing process.
To disappear into temporary isolation provides great opportunity to do something creative, to write, journal, paint, draw, make plans, and to connect to a higher version of yourself. To achieve something that is meaningful to yourself. Alone, it is easier to spend time with your own thoughts, influences, think about the things you care about, to be free to be you, free to find yourself again.
Disappearing and staying ‘No Contact’, means you can ‘fall off’ the face of the earth, where no one knows anything about your activities and plans. You are free to start to re-create yourself again.
This can be a little bit like sheltering from a hurricane, except that here, you also have the freedom and ability to spend time outdoors, and to connect with nature. Experiencing nature and all its elements, having a picnic outside, enjoying outdoor sports and activities alone or with children, pets, and trusted people, all of these help with healing process.
Disappear into a Different Time Zone
To vanish is to make yourself invisible to the prying eyes of others, and you may choose to inhabit a different time of day to do this, at least for a short while. Choosing the night-time is useful if you cannot sleep anyway, or if you work shifts and this is more natural to you.
The night time is peaceful, the world is asleep. It is like no one else exists, and you are the only thing there is. In the early hours, you are detached from real life with all its stresses and expectations on you. Many artists, writers, musicians create at night, where life is like a blank canvas, with all possibilities open. There is no urgency, no rush, no demands on time. Peace and silence, and freedom to do or create what you want without interruption. Being in a ‘creative flow’ can only occur when you have uninterrupted time like this.
There is a thinner veil between the conscious and unconscious, and you may find it easier to access new ideas or concepts if you want to do something creative. It is a great time to write, paint or create, and whatever you may choose to do during this time, it is easy to be productive and to get a lot done. You can use the daytime to get fresh perspective on your work, edit and add finishing touches.
In the quiet hours you can gain more clarity and perspective. You are free of the control, manipulation and gaslighting from the narcissist and can see more clearly. The distance you create both from a communication blackout, and from being is a different time zone can help you to see things more objectively, to see the patterns and tactics that had been deployed against you. These realisations can be quite painful, and it will help to capture and write them down. You can deal with them later, when you feel better able to do so.
Disappear into the Early Hours.
Early morning is another way to slip into a parallel universe, cushioned from real life for an hour or two. A short walk or drive to see the sun come up is a glorious experience; being there in the instant as the sun bounces up to greet the day. Watching the day break, you may hear an owl, or birds waking up, listen to the joyful crescendo of their morning calls and the chorus as all add their song, one by one. You may choose to experience this from your window or garden, with a hot drink, cosy blanket and soft music in the background.
Seeing the elements reveal themselves in the early light reflecting against trees, buildings, sea or hills; clear skies or cloud formations, rain, wind or snow. A fresh landscape every morning. Windows in houses lighting up one by one, and the sound of traffic intensifying as people get off to work. You may pop into a supermarket when it is still empty, feeling your own fullness of being without any need to create any impressions on the world.
For some, the early hours are the most productive. You have a clear head, unburdened by too many of the days events, and for writing, journaling, creating, planning, it can be the optimal time to get things done.
Detachment form the Narcissist’s manipulation, lies, criticism and mind games, creates the space to start processing emotions and regain self-esteem. No contact will gradually help reduce stress levels caused by the injury and trauma of being in a toxic environment. It will stop the anxiety and confusion caused by the Narcissist’s unpredictable and harmful behaviour. Freedom from that, allows you to focus on rebuilding your life, setting new goals and nurturing relationships with healthier people.
Go Away for a Night or Two, or go on Holiday
You may choose to visit a friend or to book a hotel for a night or two somewhere not too far, just to clear your head and get away from everything for a short while. It will allow you to think straight, see and consider some new perspectives on what is happening in your life right now. You can read, write, create, or even do nothing but watch films and eat snacks in bed.
You may choose to go further afield, to visit friends or family, go for a city break or place of natural beauty. A holiday in a different country if you can and if you are so inclined. All of these will expand and increase the breadth and scope of how you see your life right now, and give you some new viewpoints about what your choices may be.
Choosing to Move to a New City or a Refuge.
This may be the best choice if you cannot stay where you are, for reasons of safety. This is a daunting option; it feels like you will need to leave everything behind, in order to embrace the unknown, and start all over again. It is a great act of courage, but it will bring faster healing and a greater rate of personal growth. It is much easier to cut off the past, focus on the present, and rebuild your future when there is a sense of urgency to move forward, to find work, a new place to live, as well as meeting new people and discovering the new area you live in.
The Risk of Re-Engaging with the Narcissist
Becoming invisible for a time is liberating, as well as empowering. In 48 Laws of Power, Robert Greene writes about a strategic withdrawal from a situation, or reducing your presence to regain your personal power. He writes that to vanish purposefully, to reclaim who you are, then to re-emerge into the world with a fresh perspective, is to be more effective in how you function in it.
He cautions that disappearance is a powerful strategy, which will create a void, mystery and even allure. Because Narcissists are self absorbed, paranoid, and need to control their environment and the people in it, it is very likely they will try to contact you during this time. This is true even if they are with someone else, or if they have left. They will try to reassert some type of control again with explicit or veiled threats, warnings, or they may try to manipulate by trying to love bomb and seduce you, to get you where they want you and under their control. Resist this control, and keep them blocked on everything. Any contact, however minor, can and will reopen emotional wounds and leave you open to fresh trauma. Focus on you, and your healing; your well being and safety is the priority right now, not them.
When you Cannot Fully Disengage
Disappearing is a tonic, and a way to refresh and reclaim your mind, body and spirit, but in some cases, permanent disengagement with a Narcissist might not be feasible. This is especially true when co-parenting or working with them. In these situations, staying emotionally unresponsive and neutral is the best approach, in order to minimize their impact on your life. In his book ‘Stillness is the Key’ Ryan Holiday presents an idea of being like a great rock in the ocean. Rain, winds, ocean waves crash upon it, yet the rock is immovable, it stands still and peaceful in all that happens around it. You will have the difficult task of giving as little information as you can, to minimise the ammunition that they could use to control you. Respond in dispassionate, neutral tones, never with your emotions. It will not be easy. Know your boundaries, be assertive, never aggressive. Be faultless in the eyes of the law, especially where there are children and the courts involved. Have a support system in place.
Disappearing in Moderation
Disappearing for very long periods of time may start to feel like a comfortable escapist solution to life, and there is the danger of becoming too insular. When we spend extensive periods of time self reflecting and re-building a new self-created identity, without the feedback and experience of other people, we may start to alienate ourselves from society too much. Good friends will point out extreme sides of our character in a good natured, constructive, and helpful way, and we do the same with them. We can then laugh about these things together, apologise, forgive and self correct where necessary. Without this feedback, our social skills may decrease, and we may misread social situations. We may create a cycle of wanting to retreat, away from people who we perceive as annoying, even if they are not necessarily toxic. Being around others offers us opportunity to work on ourselves and see how we fit into our environment. Something which is hard to do in excessive isolation.
In Conclusion
To walk away and disappear from a Narcissist or toxic situation is to have options. Better options. To dismiss and detach from a Narcissist is to increase your value, to yourself and to others. You can disappear in a healthy way, to spend time in your own company, and begin to find and do things you are good at, things that you love. Enjoy the success and fulfilment of working at those things, no matter how small at first.
If the Narcissist left you, don’t contact them, do not chase! Act like they did you a favour, act unbothered for all intents and purposes. You are better that this and you do not need to convert them into a prize to pursue; you are the prize and they missed out. Spend time with better people, and keep your standards high. Disappear and take a little time out to invest in yourself and your happiness. You cannot help but win every time you choose you.