Earliest Days of No Contact
The earliest days of No Contact with a Narcissist ex partner cannot be compared to any separation from someone you love, or once loved. It is not like going your separate ways with an ex partner, because there is no closure. It is not like losing someone through death because they are still around. It is not like a resolution to let that person go, and moving on with your own life, because there is so much damage to your psyche, your spirit, your self esteem, and layers that are still in the process of resurfacing.
When you separate from a narcissist, you begin to shift the focus of your life back onto yourself, and you are then forced to face the betrayal, the truths of what really happened, what they did, what you put up with, and the damage to your self esteem. It is an almost unbearable pain, and the desire to escape this and return to the deception that was the relationship is overwhelming.
Hurricane
In some ways, the process in the early days is like a fast approaching hurricane, you can see and sense its approach, the dark clouds gathering, and you know that you need to get yourself in a safe place. You gather your supplies, board up the windows, lock the doors, ensure that your pets and loved ones are safe, and wait as it comes over you.
Gradually the full force of it can be felt, the high battering winds threatening to tear your home out of its foundations, the roof tiles ripping away, trees outside cracking and breaking, the torrential rain and floodwaters released as a rampage upon the landscape, threatening to take everything away.
Then maybe a lull as the eye of the storm moves overhead. A short reprieve, we see the sun coming out for a bit, maybe a rainbow appears as a glimpse of hope. Then the grind of the storm returns again, and all you can do is hope for bare survival. The awe-inspiring force of nature, the danger and unpredictability of it – the darkness and chaos, powerful, raw and devastating.
Afterwards there is the aftermath, the loss, the carnage, the heartbreak of a landscape battered flat to the ground, water everywhere, flowing tears that seem they will never subside.
Eventually the saving lights, far in the distance at first, and then brighter as they approach. First responders, friends, family, good people in your community commissioned by the highest powers, a reminder that no matter what you have gone through, what darkness, the light will always overcome. Just don’t give up.
Chaos
So now in the midst of this chaos, creation and rebirth can take place. Do not mourn the loss of what was, or even of who you were before. You are standing at the edge of creation, from the darkness and disorder, new forms, new foundations are emerging. Chaos is not mere destruction, but serves as a starting point for growth, change, and creativity. We see this symbolised in so many cultural beliefs, the Spirit of God hovering over the surface of the void as the world is spoken into existence, and it is good! In Hindu mythology, where the dissolution of the world into chaos is seen as a cycle which repeats over and over, renewing all life once again. Chinese myth, a single egg contains the chaotic elements of the universe. Yin and Yang, are separated from this chaos, creating the heavens and the earth and all that follows.
Much of the writings of Clarice Lispector, flow like streams of consciousness, her writing is infused with concepts of creativity, existence, exploring and embracing the inner chaos within us all, that which reflects the wild and uncharted landscapes of the mind, and soul.
She writes – ‘I am trying to grab hold of the current of life and drag it out. Drag it out with its chaos and incompleteness, the way it really is.’
She sees chaos as a chance to glimpse inner insights into the world as it really is, see it at its most authentic. Because in the midst of our darkest hour, is when we can see most clearly the bottom line, truths at their most profound.
The poet Anais Nin believes that chaos unshackles us from the past, that it is as essential as it is unsettling ; “Chaos is the very thing that we’re made of. Order is an illusion we impose to comfort ourselves. If we learn to live with chaos, then we’re free.”
Her perspective on the creative aspects of chaos is that it renews our perception, much as good art might. She says that ‘what we are familiar with we cease to see’ When the familiar way of seeing things and of living is shaken up and disordered, we can see new meaning in it. In that way chaos is the generative force behind creativity, a place to dismantle illusions and find deeper truths.
Chaos is cyclical, and inseparable from life, it is a force to be lived and embraced, and this is even if it means embracing its lack of resolution. Accepting, not resisting the unknown within ourselves, and trusting fully in the capacity for our full and complete healing and far more beyond that.
Safe Place
Once the waters subside, darkness, mud, pooled water remains, and you may want to find a safe place, somewhere that you will feel grounded, that will remind you of you, as otherwise, your thoughts will most likely centre on the Narcissist to an excess.
At home, you may choose to set up a healing or sacred space for you, a small table, a mantelpiece, a shelf, part of a larger surface, or you may even choose a whole room. If using a table or an area of the floor, you could cover it with a fabric you find beautiful, and place objects on it which will remind you of your healing journey.
Having chosen a place which is yours, place some items there, that resonate with you. It may be a small vase with a flower you bought or found outside, or in autumn or winter it can be a dry sprig or branch with a seed pod, or dried flower of the plant.
You may want to put a small frame with a picture or pictures of someone you love, a beautiful figurine that brings you joy, a crystal or beautiful piece of jewellery, a singing bowl, or something else that you like the sound of, bells or chimes, a charity shop find,, a gift from someone (not the narc), something that smells amazing; essential oil, a room fragrance, a perfume, a scented candle in a lovely holder, some incense, a little book you love, a journal perhaps, some seasonal fruit if you love how it looks and feels.
Let this be a place, which reminds you to centre and re-balance yourself, a place that is about honouring you. You can pray or meditate here, and keep it as a focus for your healing. A refuge from the storm, a place of peace and safety.
Box up any belongings of the person in question, remove any reminders of the relationship from your immediate environment. It is imperative that you remove any access from them to you, as this will greatly speed up and facilitate your healing process. Block them on all devices, disconnect your doorbell for the time being if it helps.
This is not possible if you share children, or where cutting all contact is impractical. This will make things much harder for you, so you will have to be that much more determined, vigilant and self controlled. It may help to record phone calls from them, as you will have reminders of what you are ‘not’ missing. Helpful for when you are tempted to call and give them some home truths, as you will see how pointless it is to tell them anything, nothing really penetrates. Keep your dignity instead.
Use the ‘observe and don’t react’ techniques, watch from a detached distance as much as is possible, and don’t give any new fuel into the dynamic with them, nothing that can be used against you. Focus in on yourself, and make detailed notes about how you feel in the moment.
Staying Safe
Above all, During this time, your physical safety is paramount. If you are still sharing a home with the Narcissist, then you have a much harder process. Do what you can to leave the relationship, but do not tell them that you are leaving. Statistically, the time of separation and leaving are the most dangerous times for you, as emotions will be running very high. Involve the authorities if you need to, and get yourself out to a safe place. If you are leaving to start again from nothing, all the more credit and respect to you, as you are drawing on your innermost strength and resources. You will be ok, and much more, I promise you.